Currently
Working on: writing my blog, doing my essential grammar and packing my room *ah choo*
Listening: 5566 - Shou hou
Song playing: Luna silver Star story - Boat song
Interested in: him... =p
Mood: tired
Feeling: too mixed up.. don't know what kind of feeling is it
Thinking: him...

...wishing on a dream...
29 Feb, 2004 10.45 p.m
I think i'm going crazy~ i slept at 5+ this morning and i woke up at 8 a.m in the morning!! And somemore all on my own... i mean i just wake up naturally without any disturbance. In the family, i slept the latest and yet, i woke up the earliest! What family is this!? So lousy one, sleeping also lose to me. Hehehe... today, i went out with chuan hui and ken to chua chu kang. So first we went to the library since chuan hui wanted to find something that ms. lee wanted the whole of e4 to find. I don't know what she wants so i couldn't help her find. So i went to look for my own books while ken just went to look around. After that, the three of us found a seat and chuan hui did her homework, ken played with his handphone and me, reading books. So when chuan hui and i saw that ken seemed to be very bored so we decided to leave the library. Later, we went to the arcade having the intention to watch ken play but in then end, they watched me play. -_-|| hehehe~ After that, we went this fashion to buy a shirt for shu yuan. After buying one, chuan hui decided to leave. So that leaves me and ken alone. Not knowing where to go, i decided to go to the comic shop to look at some of the comics i want to buy. I decided not to buy the comic cause i think that now is not the time to spend stuff like this. Ken actually wanted to buy for me but i didn't want him to spend money for me. I told him i'll save until my situation stablised. After that, we went off to jurong entertainment. We went up to look at the people ice-skating but there weren't much people at all. So we went down to the first floor and we sat at one corner. We chatted until 6+ before he sent me home. On our way home, i saw liting. Well... that's about it. I think i'm beginning to have feelings for ken but i'm still not sure. I still have 2 more days left. Haiz... I think i had better consider properly. I've got to go do my essential grammar.

29 Feb, 2004 1.00 a.m
I know, i know. You guys must be thinking what am i doing so early in the morning. Well... here's the answer: I'm packing my room and writing my blog!! Duh~! Nothing much happened other than ken has been sending me home as usual. I'm going out with him today later in the afternoon. Maybe i would get a chance to go out with him if my mom allows me to go out today. Haiz... just by looking at my room gives me a big headache!! I'm packing my room halfway then i just stopped packing so you can imagine how dusty my room is and how messy is it. Ken and i have been getting along quite well and the only thing we did was holding hands. So don't worry about me, i'm fine! The day before, grace accompanied me to go meet him as he wants to tell me his 'O' level results. So grace and i went to food court to eat and at the same time, waiting for him. Then he told me he would be bringing his friend along. So when they came, we just walked around not knowing where we're going. After that, i saw zhanfeng so i called him. As usual, he gave me that kind of very funny looking smile. I never failed to laugh or even smile whenever i see his smile. His smile is just so addictive!! So he was asking me who i was waiting for. So i just told him the 2 guys over beside me. But somehow, he didn't see him. I really wonder if he was just blur or was he just blind!? 2 big guys just beside me and yet he can't see them!? OMG!! Zhanfeng~ you really need to wear your glasses. Hehehe... after that, zhanfeng left without giving me a bite of his er... i wonder what's that called?? Oh ya, japanese pancake! Yepyep, he bought 3 of them and he didn't give me a single bite!! *Sobsob* Can't he just give me a bite? I'm hungry too, you know!? So after zhanfeng left, ken's friend left too so grace and i decided to leave as well. In the bus, i asked ken why his friend was like so "unfriendly"? So he told me he was just shy. Then ken asked me if he could hold my hand. I held his hand and he asked me if i was still scared of him. I had to be honest with him so i told him i was still a little scared of him. Don't ask me why, i myself don't even know the answer. So in the end, i didn't feel like going home so early so we hang around my place up till 9+ then we left. Yesterday, I took my common tests. Physics paper wasn't that bad but for chemistry, i think i'm gonna fail that paper. It's not that it was difficult but i wasn't specific enough. There was one question and the answers were: Iron(II)sulphate, Iron(III)hydroxide and the last one i can't remember. But in any case, for the first 2 answers i could have gotten them correct if only i was more specific!! Damn it! I only put in iron sulphate and iron hydroxide. I didn't mention if it was iron 2 or iron 3. Haiz... there goes my marks. As for social studies, i think i can prepare to fail as well.. i don't think i did that well. Then after the common test, ken sent me home again. Again, i asked grace to accompany me to go meet ken. But then, she forgot about it and she left off without me. Hehehe... luckily i asked chuan hui along too. =p So chuan hui and i went off to west mall. We were looking at the vcds available and all of a sudden, we had the urge to watch horror movies especially ju-on 2. So we were looking at the price of the vcd and all that. While waiting for ken, we watched a cantonese show called love is beautiful. After watching a while, a group of children started screaming as though they watched some horror movies. Startled, chuan hui screamed as well giving me a shock. Then when i turned around, i saw ken just behind her. We went to the library since chuan hui wanted to go there to look for something. In the end, we found nothing. Then i remember that i wanted to buy a present for shu yuan for her birthday. Although it was over but she knew that i had financial difficulties so she told me it was alright. In the end, i couldn't think up of anything to buy and besides i didn't have enough money to buy any present. So chuan hui, ken and i stood outside Gifts etc and thought of what to buy. Later, chuan hui said she wanted to go to the toilet so left me and ken alone. We chatted but not much. After that, i saw naz and hwee leng and the both of them saw me with ken. So they know la... then hwee leng teased me asking me "you don't want alex already ah?". I was like please~ give me a break! After all these, ken send me home and because i don't feel like going home so early so we decided to walk home. We went through xiao guilin and we sat at the nearby bus-stop. We were extremely quiet. I don't know why we're so quiet but maybe because the deadline is going to be up. He held my hand then he just kept staring at me. I didn't know how to react so i just kept looking at the floor. Later, my mom called me and that's when we decided to leave the place. Around night time, i talked to "him" and asked him if he still wants the silent reading books for his sister. So he told me yes then after that, he told me he saw me with ken. And he even congratulated me! Oh god... he must have thought that ken was the one i liked all along! *But right now, maybe i'm beginning to like him.. who knows?* So i asked him where he saw me, and he told me he was on the bus! Oh god!!! This is the worse day ever. Of all people, he has to be the one who has seen me with ken! Why him, of all people!? Can't it be others?! Why must it be him?! I still can't believe what i'm hearing from him. He saw me with ken!!! I can't believe it! Great~ this is just great! *roll eyes* I got to go... i have to pack my room as the agent would be taking photos of my house tomorrow.

26 Feb, 2004 6.09 p.m
Haiz... 3 days never update le. Ok... where should i begin? Er... nothing much happened on monday la, except that i'm still feeling giddy after all these days. Then on tuesday, jonathan helped me sold all the donation tickets! In just a couple of minutes! Wow!!! Hao li hai wo~ then there was this guy called ken came to talk to me on msn. I didn't know this guy at all but since he messaged me on friendster to add him on msn as well as friendster, so i just added him lor. So happened he has the same name as my god-brother, ken! So after a while, we chatted. As we chatted along, he asked me if he could woo me anot! O_O!! I really don't know cause i just knew him for 1 day. Then he just tell me he has feelings for me! This guy must be nuts! Then i tried changing topics. In the end, we talked on the phone then he still wants to woo me! Then he ask me can i be his girlfriend. Of course, i didn't know how to reply him la.. so i tell him i would consider. The next day, i went out with yan bing and we took neoprint.. i think it's a really nice photo. =p Then at night, ken messaged me again. Then i went online to talk with yan bing and both kens. Then i added ken, my kor into yan bing and i's conversation. Then we started talking about birthdays. So we were telling ken that both our birthdays were coming soon and it was actually a hint. Well, he's not stupid either. He definitely got the hint. So he was like "haiz... 3 birthdays all in march. Headache ah!!" *The 3 birthdays were emily his stead, yan bing and me!* So we were discussing what presents to buy. Then he said he would buy gogo chess for yan bing and as for me, he have no idea what to buy. At first yan bing suggested to buy a bf for me. Then i said "i don't want!!" So they started laughing. Then ken thought of buying sex toys for me! Then i said again "kor... you good! Humpf!" So they ran out of ideas so yan bing said just give me a hong bao. Then ken don't want. So he asked me what i want but i don't know what i want so i just simply tell him i don't know. So he asked yan bing for ideas. Yan bing told him to buy sexy clothes for me! Alamak~ what were they thinking?! So again i said i don't want. So yan bing ran out of ideas then suggested a bag. Somehow, ken thought of bra. OMG! KEN!!! What were you thinking!? The he said he don't know how to buy cause he doesn't know my size. Oh gosh~ what are they thinking!? So yan bing told him my size was B. *As if she knows my size like that!* Then ken asked "Her size got so big meh!? I thought her size is A?". So yan bing said my size very big de. Ken said how he know? He also never go observe. *At this moment, i thought if he got observe, i'm so gonna knock his head!!* So yan bing said "don't look at her small small de, hers quite big de." Ken replied saying i sure got drink mother's milk if not, i can't possibly grow so big! Alamak~ they are really getting off hand. Then i said mine is small so ken got confused, so he asked whether mine was big or small? Then yan bing said mine 1 big 1 small! I was like siao ah!! I'm not guai tai lor... where got 1 big 1 small?! She think what? Gambling? 1 big 1 small. =X So we joked about this bra thingy. Soon after that, it became very quiet. Then when we talked again, ken wanted to talk about bra again but he know i don't want to talk about it cause they would obviously talk about me again! So he suggested talking about g-string! Alamak~ is that all he ever thinks about? So this time, we teased ken. Yan bing was asking "he got wear that meh?". So i told her "you think he can wear one ma?". Soon, we started saying about how to wear it. Whether it was the back or the front. The most ridiculous was ken thought that the string would be at the side! At the same time, i was talking to the other ken. So in the end, i decided to give him a chance. He knew that he wasn't the one i liked but still he wanted to woo me. But i didn't want to go steady with him cause i do not want to somehow like making use of him to substitute "him". So i told him how about we try it out first? If it works out, then maybe we can go on. I know what you all might be thinking. I know you all must be thinking i'm such a flirt or a bitch! Ya... maybe i am. So after that, i told ken and yan bing that i'm trying out with the other ken. So they were like so shocked! And i really mean shocked! Cause i barely know this guy for a week! Then yan bing got worried for me thinking that he might be just like eric, after getting my first kiss then go bye bye~ and in ken, my kor's translation... it simply means sex. Yan bing got shocked and she was like "ken!! how can you... Oh my god~!" She's was like totally speechless. Anyway, ken warned me to be careful too. So after that, they asked from me for his photo. Ken said he looks ok while yan bing says he looks like girl. As for today, i went to meet him. At first, i wanted to go with corrine. In the end, one whole bunch went along! Alamak~ they wanted to tag along. So in the end, ken got a little scared cause he didn't really expected this. But no matter what, we didn't talk. We're just nervous and for me, scared as well. And the whole group was like trying so damn hard for us to talk to each other. Well, we managed to talk to each other. Then after that, sock peng really pissed me off today so i kinda blew off my top in front of him today. Oh gosh! My image gone~ so when i got home, i sms to ken apologising for being so rude. Then he told me that he actually wanted to send me home but since i was scared and he was nervous so he just sent me to the interchange. So we chat and chat until around 7+. So that's about it. I've got to go do my homework.

23 Feb, 2004 8.28 p.m
Lalala~ i went to school today earlier than usual by a few minutes. Hehehe... by the time i got to the mrt station, i missed the train. Damn it! That's as good as taking the same train as i used to take. -_-|| what's the difference?! Yesterday *i'm not sure whether it was yesterday or other days but i suppose it was yesterday*, jonathan agreed to buy the donation tickets for me! Yey!! That's really sweet of him. But of course, there's a condition to it. -_-# i knew he wasn't that kind. So i asked him to name it. He wasn't asking anything for return but he was just asking me to be back to my old self. So tomorrow i'm going to bring my donation ticket to sell it to him. Chuan hui also agreed to buy 1 for me. I know you all must be thinking like "huh... 1 only ah? So pathetic." but hey... 1 is better than nothing. At least there is a 1 than a 0. Anyway, i went to school today. Today's e-maths lesson was revision on locus and cumulative frequency as there would be a common test during assembly. After e-maths, it was chemistry lessons. 2 periods somemore!! Alamak!! That relief teacher, mr din is so boring. *For your info, my chemistry teacher, mr heng has gone for reservice for 2 weeks i think* Today, we spent 2 periods doing nothing but worksheets! Haiz... mr heng is nuts! Go reservice already, still give so much worksheets!! After chemistry lessons and recess, we had social studies. The first thing we thought was mdm koh! Then we will like "haiz... sian... mdm koh's period! And 2 period somemore!" But today was a little more interesting. We spent more time on talking on her experience than talking on the lesson. Slowly, her lessons ended! Yey!!! Next, we had physics. We didn't do much in physics lesson. Last was ms. gopal's lessons. You should know what lesson was it. English~ and today, i forgot to bring 2 worksheets. Oh no! I'm so gonna get cooked by ms. gopal! But hey... she didn't. Phew~ surprisingly she was quite kind to me. Hehe~ must be the last experience i had from her, only those from my class witnessed it... hehe~ shh... Right now as i'm typing, i'm waiting for the agent to come as well. As she has another client to attend to, so she would come around 9.30. Now it's already 9.27. Haiz... i always take such a long time to write finish my blog. Anyway, right after english periods, we had our e-maths common test. When i received the paper, i was like Oh My God! It looks easy but actually it's quite difficult. Especially the first question. I could do the first few parts until the last part. I couldn't construct the locus thus i couldn't answer for the next part. So i left it blank. Then i did the second question. Then the third. For the third, i could do the other parts but i couldn't do the first part. I mean i could but somehow i couldn't get the total FX correct. Making the entire sum wrong! Damn it! I just hope that i can pass my common test. After school, i came home and immediately started packing my room. My room was a mess. I bet you don't even want to look at it. Right now, it looks so much better. Then i went to sweep the floor. After that, i went to eat dinner and after eating dinner, i came back and started mopping the floor. While mopping the floor, i was talkig to kok leng, jonathan and him! hehehe~ so happy! I get to talk to him today! I was asking him if there were any available 2-3 room flats nearby. He told me yes and it was everywhere. *He meant the streets* I accepted his joke and i told him about my situation. I told him i would be moving but i don't know when. Then he kept on telling me "don't worry, be happy" and gave me a smiley face. In return, I gave him a big smiley face. I even joked with him that i wouldn't have to move if he could lend me the money but i didn't mention how much. He told me he wanted to lend me the money but sadly he doesn't have it. Before leaving, he reminded me "don't worry, be happy". The next moment, he went offline. I was so happy! I called chuan hui to ask her about the history project and at the same time, asked her to buy 1 donation ticket for me. She agreed. I told her that he came online just now and we talked. I even told her about our conversation. I sounded so excited! As she was listening to me, i think she was just giggling over there. Hehe~ i think i'll have a better sleep than other days. Okay~ i've got to go. The agent's gonna be here any moment and i'll also have to go do my coursework and project.

22 Feb, 2004 2.38 p.m
A bright sunday! I wished i could stay in bed forever and not wake up. After bidding goodbye to pimin, ruo xuan and wan jing yesterday, somehow i still feel a burden inside me. Maybe i just miss my friends. As i won't be going to library with them, i guess i won't be seeing them anymore unless there's a change of plans like not selling the house. I'm simply too busy to go library with them anymore especially when this is my last year in bukit view so i don't have time to go out. When i hugged ruo xuan and wan jing, i just wished that i didn't have to let go. I wished i could just hug them forever. It was the worst move that i've ever made. When the both of them left, i just looked at them for the last time. Of course, i could still contact them through msn or through the phone but still, it hurts to be part with them especially when they have been my friends for more than 4 years. Then after that, pimin sent me home. Before i got home, we chatted for a while. I couldn't stand it so i cried. I really couldn't handle it especially when i'm handling so many problems. Two of my friends and him are treating me coldly recently and now this! I really couldn't handle it. Right now at this point of time, I really don't need this kind of special treatment especially not from the three of them! After crying, i hugged pimin and that meant goodbye. Yesterday, i received a card from ruo xuan. She sent me 2 cards. 1 was saying keep in touch and she was asking how's was my situation. I had no idea how she knew it unless she did read my blog or pimin just told her. But i assume that pimin told her. Then after that, kok leng came to talk to me on msn. He asked me "Are you ok? What happened? Your family?" I was definitely confused.. but i knew one thing. That is he knew about my situation. At first i was thinking "Is it pimin go and tell him?". I had never thought of anyone reading my blog cause it's like they see my blog then they faint immediately! Why? Too long!! Anyway, i asked him to rephrase his sentence as i was really confused by his sentence. It didn't make sense anyway if you read it. After rephrasing, i asked him how he knew. He told me he read my blog! I'm really surprised cause my friends don't even read!! I guess they just hate reading! Can't blame them anyway. So we chatted for a while and he was trying ways to think up of solutions for me. He even asked me to trust in god and prayed to him. Of course, i wanted to! But come to think of it, it wasn't good. I only go to him when i need help but yet, i don't believe in him. Besides, there's no point in just praying to him. We have to act it out. We can't just be sitting ducks, right!? So i didn't take up his suggestion. I think i kinda flared up on kok leng. I mean cause i was really worried about my situation and now, he was telling me about god that kind of stuff. I really don't want to listen to all these preaching right now. I mean i can listen to all these but not at this point of time. I know he was trying to help but i just can't handle it. Then as we chatted along, he told me he don't believe there's only one solution for a problem. Then he starts to giving me all kinds of solution. I really appreciate it, you know?! But the solutions just don't work. Right now, the only solution is selling the house and live in a smaller house. I even considered borrowing money from my relatives but my mom doesn't want them to know and besides, who could lend such a huge sum of money!? My relatives also have their own problems. So the only way was to sell off the house. Kok leng believed that there will be another solution and we don't have to sell off the house and at the same time, we can pay off our debts. Here's something i wanna say: i wished we could! Today, my mom called the agent. So it's been decided. We're definitely selling the house! I'm really gonna miss this place! It seems like kok leng's strong belief isn't going to come true. Right now as i'm typing, my vision is going blurred. *sobsob* There's nothing i can do except to clean up my room later on so that the agent can take a look when she comes over tomorrow. So which means i'm selling this place soon. Right now, all i'm wishing for is to see the three of them before we sell off this place. *The three of them is my two friends and him.* I know after this place is gone, i'm not going to see them anymore unless they ask me out but i know that's not possible. Haiz... i think i better go clean up my room to give a good impression on the agent tomorrow. Goodbye~ my one and only home...